Psychiatric Help Phone Menu

Thank for calling this line……….please select from the following options:-

If you are obsessive compulsive…..press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant…..ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities… press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid….we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are delusional……press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mothership.

If you are schizophrenic…….listen carefully
and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive…….it doesn’t matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic……press 69696969696969

If you are bipolar…..please leave a message after the beep…before
the beep…or after the beep……please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss….please press 9…please
press 9…. please press 9.

If you have low self esteem…..please hang up…..we are
to busy to talk to you right now.

If you are menopausal…..put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You really won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde……don’t press any buttons….you’ll just mess it up.